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lucky

    I'm staying at school for thanksgiving. Everyone else in my house has gone home, as have most of my other friends. I decided to stay last minute, not wanting to make the drive home. I'd be alone there too anyways. It's just me and my roommate's cat in the house. I don't know if he's caught on that everyone else is gone yet.      I thought I would feel completely fine, I was actually really looking forward to being alone for a few days. But as the last of my roommates was getting ready to leave, I felt that familiar tightness in my chest that I do when I sit alone on my bed at home. I wished he would stay another few minutes, or even just leave tomorrow. I didn't expect this feeling here. I love it here so much, this place feels like more of my home than my actual house ever has. The reason I dread visiting home is because I know I will be alone, I will feel so small in my  room. My full size bed will feel way too big, the ceiling will stretch way too ta...
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for sure

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     Sometimes I have dreams about putting onions and pears and potatoes in the oven. Maybe three times I've dreamed about it. It's so funny what certain little things influence my subconscious so heavily.      I'm eating a peanut butter honey uncrustable right now. It has some weird white lumpy stuff in the honey like it often does, I'm choosing not to care.      Yesterday I turned twenty. I'm feeling more apathetic about it than I thought I would. Last year I had a panic attack all day about getting older and not knowing what to do with myself about it. I've had some fleeting moments of panic, but for the most part it's okay. Twenty is such a whole number. 20. Twenty. Not a teenager. Adult. Being twenty feels like proving something. You can't call me a teenager now because I'm not one. Or something like that. You can't look down on me.       Feeling so many new and unfamiliar things. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe my lo...
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october seventeenth

    I miss tiktok so bad. I miss just having Thing To Look At. Always new things. Missing new things.       In this post I'm gonna expand on the many random sentences I've written in my notes app recently. I keep having thoughts and writing down a little bit of them as a reminder to continue thinking about them later, so I guess I'm gonna do that on the paper instead of in my head. 11/15/24 12:30am it makes me so sad that i have more or less quit dance and i never reached my fullest potential, i didn't really achieve my goals     This one is pretty self explanatory. I did dance for eight years, and I never felt like I was good enough. I "quit" dance pretty much when I moved away to college, because I no longer had a dance studio that I was enrolled at and had to take my dance education into my own hands.      I think this is particularly sad for me because it feels like it wasn't a clean break, like I never truly felt like I was goo...
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acorns

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 H elloo blog.      I 've been drawing a lot the past few days. I sort of invented a new art style, if there are even any more to invent. I created something new for myself, either way. It feels kind of embarrassing when I post my art on instagram. I think I do it just so I can see it all laid out in front of me like a portfolio of sorts, but my followers don't know that. They probably think I think it's good. Not saying I don't. But that's not the point.      Looking at my drawings is kind of looking at my own face in the mirror. Sometimes they are beautiful and perfect and I feel proud of them, other times they are warped and ugly and I hate that they exist.     I'm back at school now, and I'm really throwing myself into theater this semester. I'm taking three theater classes, one of which is scenic design focused, one more so play analysis, and the third is acting focused. I'm also already cast in a film and two plays, with another auditio...
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dog teeth

  hellooo blog.          been fixated on teeth today. too many teeth in mouths, stuff like that. i've started drawing again. back around when i was in middle and early high school, i was an avid artist, like i thought it would be my career. i kind of sucked though, and i realized this eventually and declared that i "quit art." and for a while i really did. every time i tried to draw i would get frustrated that i couldn't be good at it immediately and i could never translate the images in my head onto the page.      a couple weeks ago i saw a video on tiktok that was an ad for a 600 page sketchbook. the person in the video's main selling point was that the book made it so they never felt like they were wasting pages since they'd have hundreds left. this was interesting to me, since i was always worried about having a "perfect" sketchbook, with no pages filled with eraser marks and crossed out drawings. so i bought it, along with some acry...
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circus tent

 hi blog!      i finally figured out in my last post how to make more normal spacing in my paragraphs, lol. probably could have figured that out two years ago.  so much and so little has been going on lately.      i've been consuming a lot of really great media. i just started reading lie with me by philippe besson, i imagine it won't take me more than the rest of today to read. i have also been finally catching up on watching the bear in preparation for the new season coming out in a few weeks. it's really good, i don't think i need to convince anyone of that. i watched i saw the tv glow the other day, but that needs to be discussed further, later.      it's weird, but i've developed this bad habit of prioritizing the ways that media can connect me to other people over my actual enjoyment of it. i guess i've just gotten very used to sharing things with people, and it can feel strange to function without any kind of witness. ...
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