lucky

    I'm staying at school for thanksgiving. Everyone else in my house has gone home, as have most of my other friends. I decided to stay last minute, not wanting to make the drive home. I'd be alone there too anyways. It's just me and my roommate's cat in the house. I don't know if he's caught on that everyone else is gone yet. 

    I thought I would feel completely fine, I was actually really looking forward to being alone for a few days. But as the last of my roommates was getting ready to leave, I felt that familiar tightness in my chest that I do when I sit alone on my bed at home. I wished he would stay another few minutes, or even just leave tomorrow. I didn't expect this feeling here. I love it here so much, this place feels like more of my home than my actual house ever has. The reason I dread visiting home is because I know I will be alone, I will feel so small in my room. My full size bed will feel way too big, the ceiling will stretch way too tall. The walk from my room, down the stairs, and to the kitchen will feel way too long. The fridge will be empty. It always is. My cats might not remember me. Who knows. The longer breaks I take between visiting the more I think that's true. I will go to all my usual spots, even the local grocery store will feel a bit touristy. I will buy a cookie and a drink at the vegan chocolate shop and drive my car to the boat landing by the river to consume them. It will only take me a minute or two to eat the cookie, and I won't get out of the car. The music playing in my car probably won't get through a full song. Then I'll drive back home. Maybe if my best friend is around I'll visit her. I only finally remembered how to get to her house without a map once we had both gone off to college. 

    I probably won't buy enough things at the grocery store to make any full meals, because I know I'll only be there a few days and once I'm gone none of it will be used. Instead I will order food from my three or four favorite restaurants. My stomach might hurt. I'll watch something on the big TV, probably a movie I've seen before. 

    After two or three days I will drive back to school. The first song I'll put on in the car as I drive away from the house will be the same every time, it's become another routine. The drive back will feel longer than the drive there. 

    Trying to break out of this. Not here. This isn't how it is here. I watched a new movie, I stayed downstairs until the evening. I'm excited for tomorrow. I love it here so much. It is safety and comfort. Leaving my door open tonight in case the cat gets lonely.

    

    I've started reading The Iliad. I wanted to because I was just in a production of Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida. Our shows were this weekend, we closed on Sunday. It was probably my favorite show I've ever been in. Almost everything went shockingly well, it felt like there should have been a catch. I feel so lucky to have gotten to work with such an amazing director and cast. 

    I played Patroclus, one of the smaller characters but still important to the show and to me. Both I and the actress that played Achilles are trans, which gave way for us to create something really unique and beautiful. I've never had an acting process quite like this one. There wasn't any point where I stopped learning about my character, I think I still am even now after the show has closed. I made some new choices every night, and was constantly trying new things. 

    I didn't realize how much I had missed talking about being trans until I started to again. Since I started really transitioning about a year ago, my gender and everything has become more of something that goes without saying, that I just don't talk about. I yearn for my middle school years when my friends and I would spend hours just talking about gender. Even writing that sentence now felt a bit uncomfortable. I deleted it, then typed it out again. I think being trans has become weirdly embarrassing, or it's embarrassing for people to know that I still think about it a lot. 

    I need to remind myself that it is not something that is decided once and for all and then doesn't need to be thought about again. There is still much to discover about myself. Being trans isn't just what I want to be, what I want to look like. It is feelings that I can't even explain. It is pictures and songs and ideas that I couldn't tell you why they mean that to me, they just do. Being trans is agony but it is also the best thing in the world. Sometimes it feels like a sick joke, like something I will never come to terms with. It is also euphoria, it feels so lucky.  

    I never want to stop talking about it and learning about myself. 

    That's all for tonight, I think. Until next time x