october seventeenth

    I miss tiktok so bad. I miss just having Thing To Look At. Always new things. Missing new things.

     In this post I'm gonna expand on the many random sentences I've written in my notes app recently. I keep having thoughts and writing down a little bit of them as a reminder to continue thinking about them later, so I guess I'm gonna do that on the paper instead of in my head.

11/15/24 12:30am

it makes me so sad that i have more or less quit dance and i never reached my fullest potential, i didn't really achieve my goals

    This one is pretty self explanatory. I did dance for eight years, and I never felt like I was good enough. I "quit" dance pretty much when I moved away to college, because I no longer had a dance studio that I was enrolled at and had to take my dance education into my own hands. 

    I think this is particularly sad for me because it feels like it wasn't a clean break, like I never truly felt like I was good enough and now I'm just kind of done. My explanation to myself was that I can only push my body so far, and what my body can do will never be enough to make it in the dance world so it's not really worth trying. 

    I know that sounds really dramatic and final, it's not really like that. I'm sure I'll take another dance class. It just pains me that there were so many other people at my dance studio who did dance as more of a side hobby, and even they were more physically able than I ever will be. They "made it" and they're not even necessarily pursuing dance in the future.

    I think I need to promise to myself to keep dance in my life. Because I love it. That will never change. 

11/12/24 4:22pm

remember that you can put vegetables in the oven

    A friend made some potatoes, carrots, pears, and onions in the oven, and it inspired me. I kind of forgot that I can cook things that don't come out of the freezer or a box. Just a little reminder.

11/9/24 11:16pm

maybe friendship is more romantic than a relationship because a relationship is almost like an obligation but with friendship you choose it every day

    I guess I imagine that sometimes in official relationships people can end up relaxing, or more so forgetting. Like being "dating" or whatever you want to call it can make that person into an obligation, or alternatively an afterthought. The security of knowing someone will be there (specifically for you?) can change things, especially with monogamous relationships I think. 

    With friends I at least feel like I need to put so much more intention into making time/prioritizing time for them than I would with a significant other. So I guess that feels more special. I don't think romantic is quite the right word, that's just all I could think of when I wrote it.

    I think friend love can be so much deeper than romantic love in a way.

11/8/24 1:13pm

just saw a dude with a pencil tucked behind his ear. didn't know people still did that

    Found it funny 🤷

11/1/24 10:51am

it feels like everyone else is moving faster than me. like i thought everyone would stay at hampshire and i feel shocked that they're actually prioritizing their adult lives

    It scares me a bit that my friends seem so adult and responsible. A lot of this stems from my big fear that I am developmentally behind other people my age, but that's a whole thing that I don't feel like getting into. 

    Basically I think I just have a hard time imagining the future in a way that a lot of my friends don't. To me my life right now is college, and that's all I know. Maybe that's a privilege, but it doesn't feel like it.

just posted the other day so there isn't much new, but here's some media anyways

audio

*360 feat. robyn and yung lean by charli xcx

*von dutch by charli xcx

visual

*the nightmare before christmas

*we are who we are

    I introduced yet another friend to my favorite TV show (and generally the most influential piece of media in my life), We Are Who We Are. I love sharing it with people I am close to, I feel like it helps me be understood and explains some of why I am the way I am. This was at least the sixth time I've watched it, but probably closer to the tenth. I could talk about it for ages but I'm wanting to be done with this post so I won't.  

Until next time x