for sure

    Sometimes I have dreams about putting onions and pears and potatoes in the oven. Maybe three times I've dreamed about it. It's so funny what certain little things influence my subconscious so heavily. 

    I'm eating a peanut butter honey uncrustable right now. It has some weird white lumpy stuff in the honey like it often does, I'm choosing not to care. 

    Yesterday I turned twenty. I'm feeling more apathetic about it than I thought I would. Last year I had a panic attack all day about getting older and not knowing what to do with myself about it. I've had some fleeting moments of panic, but for the most part it's okay. Twenty is such a whole number. 20. Twenty. Not a teenager. Adult. Being twenty feels like proving something. You can't call me a teenager now because I'm not one. Or something like that. You can't look down on me. 

    Feeling so many new and unfamiliar things. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe my lobes are developing or whatever. Feeling that I am things I never thought I could be. One that is sticking out in my mind is desirable. Both in the romantic and platonic sense, I guess. I have a really hard time believing that people value me and seek me out. Maybe I am not forgettable? Been speaking up in certain classes a bit more lately, and have been called out publicly for not doing so. 

    Fluctuating between feeling capable and in control and feeling like  the world is pushing me around. I think being on SSRIs can have that effect on me. Sometimes it feels like they are in total control and can fast forward or pause my life like a movie. Other times it feels like I'm gripping the video game controller of my life and calculating every move.  

    Sometimes everything feels like I Don't Know. Those are some of the scariest times.

 

    I'm writing this in the midst of hydroxyzine-induced fatigue, feeling like I could sleep for 24 hours straight right now if I wanted to. Weird place to be in. Kind of peaceful, but also stressful knowing I have things I have to do today.  

    My favorite song right now is For Sure by Ethel Cain. So much so that I set it as my song on my instagram profile, never done that before. Sometimes songs, imagery, or aesthetics take over my mind for a few days or so. I guess that's normal. It's like when I couldn't take my mind off of dog teeth for a little. That was because of Ethel too. 

    I recommend a listen. I guess I recommend all the media I add to my posts. Usually I just write a few things to document my headspace at the moment and what is influencing my life. 

    Feeling a lot of outward love, and possibilities for love to give. Going into 20 with positivity, as cringe as that may be. I thought a few seconds too long about what to wish for on my birthday candle, but I don't even remember what it was now. Doesn't matter. I can make whatever I wish for come true, or something close enough. 

until next time x

~media~

audio

*st. chroma by tyler, the creator

*show me your hands from the guy who didn't like musicals

*video games by trixie mattel

*tamagotchi by 3rd ave.

*for sure by ethel cain

visual

*the guy who didn't like musicals

*bojack horseman

*vewn