circus tent

 hi blog! 

    i finally figured out in my last post how to make more normal spacing in my paragraphs, lol. probably could have figured that out two years ago. 

so much and so little has been going on lately. 

    i've been consuming a lot of really great media. i just started reading lie with me by philippe besson, i imagine it won't take me more than the rest of today to read. i have also been finally catching up on watching the bear in preparation for the new season coming out in a few weeks. it's really good, i don't think i need to convince anyone of that. i watched i saw the tv glow the other day, but that needs to be discussed further, later. 

    it's weird, but i've developed this bad habit of prioritizing the ways that media can connect me to other people over my actual enjoyment of it. i guess i've just gotten very used to sharing things with people, and it can feel strange to function without any kind of witness. things like letterboxd and goodreads are probably also at fault here, they make any kind of watching or reading feel the tiniest bit like work. 

    i've also been listening to so much music. an excess of alex g and red hot chili peppers, mostly. some tv glow soundtrack but i often feel like skipping those when they come on.

    it's a little strange for me to change the spacing of my blog posts, to add indentations. it makes me kind of uncomfortable. i don't know if i like the look of it. whenever i start something new like a journal, a sketchbook, a planner, i feel like i have to come up with a specific format and guidelines and those have to be the way i do it. most of these times, i come up with something arbitrary that ends up not being very efficient, and i have to change it. it makes me uncomfortable and disappointed but i do, and it's better. 

    i tore the plastic off of my new diary the other day, after it had spent a few months under my bed waiting for its turn. i think this is the first time in my life that i have ever completed a diary, filled every page. it feels like a great accomplishment. if you've been reading my blog you likely know how much i love cultivating my digital footprint, and i equally love my more private component, my diary. 

    it's a funny coincidence, that i'm realizing only now, that i have also changed the formatting in my new diary. i used to just write big blocks of text for each day, filling in as close to the edges of the paper as possible, trying to maximize my use of the space. now i've decided to make paragraphs, as it really is just easier that way. again, it makes me a little uncomfortable. it's new. 

    maybe one day i will start capitalizing my words here on the blog and using correct grammar and stuff. i don't know why that feels so terrifying to me. i guess it would be nice to avoid the constant scolding from grammarly, and i think writing on here has even affected my grammar in the rest of my life, i forget to insert commas and properly structure sentences. and maybe it would even look better. but i am stuck in my ways, although i don't know why i choose such strange ways to be stuck in. 

**semi-spoilers for i saw the tv glow ahead. maybe don't read if you haven't seen it**

    i saw the tv glow. i have put off writing about it for a couple of hours because i don't even want to think about it. i don't have much to say, certainly nothing that those who have seen it don't already know.

    when i watched it my first impression was more of a negative one. i thought it was weird, i was having trouble relating to/liking the characters. i had had a very specific expectation for the film, maybe more so of a certain way i expected it to make me feel. i didn't receive this, therefore i was disappointed. i'd heard of a lot of trans and/or queer people being significantly affected by this film, so i think i was anticipating an experience more like those i'd had with other queer media. aside from that, i did enjoy the visuals and the music and whatnot. 

    for the duration of the last scene i thought to myself how terrible of a place this would be to end the movie. i could sense it though, and the movie did indeed end. i sat there in the theater through the credits, i believe i was the last person to leave. i think i did this more out of obligation, i'd seen so many people online saying they stayed and sobbed through the credits. i was waiting for something to happen, i think. some realization or reaction. but nothing, really. i just got up and walked out to the parking lot of the mall. there was a beautiful sunset to greet me. as i began to drive, looping around the mall, a big circus tent with twinkling lights came into view and for a second it felt like i was dreaming. it appeared to be somewhere else in the big parking lot and i almost missed my turn to investigate further, but i didn't. that experience complemented my viewing of the movie well. 

    after that i didn't think about all it that much. i told a few friends about it, how crazy it was. but i still felt like i was missing something. it was only about 24 hours later, on a similar nighttime drive, that it clicked. i was on my way back from driving a friend home, and i put on the movie soundtrack. feeling anxious while driving is an incredibly scary thing. my chest felt tight, i periodically put my hand up to my throat to feel my pulse like i often do. i was being overwhelmed by certain feelings in that moment, and i realized then how thoroughly and painfully relatable the movie's main character was to me. and it was in a way that i hadn't let myself see before, in a similar way as in the movie. 

    i think i had been too intent on connecting with the trans repression aspects of the movie, and not some of the other themes. i most certainly have my experiences with repressing transness, i'm very familiar with it. but this is something i know. not something i fully understand, but it is open to me and in motion in my life. 

    that alone didn't feel like enough to connect with, it wasn't particularly personal to me. i think what really struck me was other parts of the main character's being. awkwardness and loneliness. things i don't even want to write about, much less think about.  

    overall, the movie had a very unusual affect on me. i didn't love it, i loved it, parts of me hated it, i liked it. it met me at a very strange, fortunate/unfortunate time in my life.

 

i guess that's all for this post. until next time x

~media~

audio:

*velvet ring by big thief

*tire swing by kimya dawson

*wet sand by red hot chili peppers

*claw machine by sloppy jane and phoebe bridgers

*ingydar by adrianne lenker

visual:

*lie with me by philippe besson

*the bear

*i saw the tv glow