youre welcome

    I'm staying at school for thanksgiving. Everyone else in my house has gone home, as have most of my other friends. I decided to stay last minute, not wanting to make the drive home. I'd be alone there too anyways. It's just me and my roommate's cat in the house. I don't know if he's caught on that everyone else is gone yet.      I thought I would feel completely fine, I was actually really looking forward to being alone for a few days. But as the last of my roommates was getting ready to leave, I felt that familiar tightness in my chest that I do when I sit alone on my bed at home. I wished he would stay another few minutes, or even just leave tomorrow. I didn't expect this feeling here. I love it here so much, this place feels like more of my home than my actual house ever has. The reason I dread visiting home is because I know I will be alone, I will feel so small in my  room. My full size bed will feel way too big, the ceiling will stretch way too ta...

     Sometimes I have dreams about putting onions and pears and potatoes in the oven. Maybe three times I've dreamed about it. It's so funny what certain little things influence my subconscious so heavily.      I'm eating a peanut butter honey uncrustable right now. It has some weird white lumpy stuff in the honey like it often does, I'm choosing not to care.      Yesterday I turned twenty. I'm feeling more apathetic about it than I thought I would. Last year I had a panic attack all day about getting older and not knowing what to do with myself about it. I've had some fleeting moments of panic, but for the most part it's okay. Twenty is such a whole number. 20. Twenty. Not a teenager. Adult. Being twenty feels like proving something. You can't call me a teenager now because I'm not one. Or something like that. You can't look down on me.       Feeling so many new and unfamiliar things. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe my lo...