love story
hello blog, it's been so long. i haven't had much inspiration to write in a while, and i've been so busy. but now i'm home for the summer and i have endless time on my hands and its may! i have to write about may.
every month i make a new playlist on spotify. these days they are usually barely an hour long, since i don't have much time to listen to new music. but back last year they would be two or three hours long most months. monthly playlists are actually a pretty bad way to listen to music, i often find myself adding new things just as the month ends and then having to start all over. i mostly do it for the memories, so i can remember where i was at in that point in my life, as i do with most things. i don't go back to listen to most of them, sometimes i just scroll through and look. but the one that i do often return to is my may 2023 playlist. it is 2 hours and 32 minutes long, and it makes me feel.
may is a month of so many feelings. it is a time of grabbing and reaching and holding on tight. may is a month that makes me want more. this time last year i was in my last few weeks of high school, and now i'm fresh out of my first year of college. last may had so many highlights. i went on a five day trip to maine with two of my friends, hung out with said friends, i worked my last few shifts at my old stupid job, i rehearsed for that musical i was in, i saw taylor swift, i got a tattoo. and many more, smaller, things that are too insignificant and too close to my heart to write. that playlist brings me right back to it. so much music borrowed from friends, songs meant to evoke things, to make me feel. it is a really random collection of songs, part of me is a little embarrassed to include the link to it. i don't know if it will make all that much sense. but it makes sense to me.
i feel a sense of relief in the fact that right now feels a lot like the same time last year. i am thankful. i know how all of this works, i already know how to feel these feelings and navigate this moment. i have so many intense feelings, some going in different directions than before but they all resonate in a somewhat similar way.
lately i have been kind of grappling with the fact that other people's minds work differently than mine. obviously i knew that already, but i never quite let myself realize what that meant. i guess it's always been hard for me to imagine that other people have different thought processes, different priorities, different wants and needs.
i think, in a similar vein, i've been trying to diagnose my loneliness. i've been trying to find some kind of reason to explain why i feel the way i do instead of just letting myself feel.i try to convince myself that there is something wrong with the way i understand other people, but it might just be that i don't understand myself. or i try too hard to understand everything. i feel so far removed from normal, but maybe i just need to relax.
sometimes it feels like knowing me is too big of an ask, it's too much to expect from someone else. i felt that last week. i felt scared that as my friends grew to know me more they wouldn't like what they met and learned. insecurity is one of the scariest things to feel, because as much as i try to tell myself there's nothing to be insecure about, it's still there. it's scary because it's not necessarily something i can deal with on my own, within it there is something that i am asking of others.
feel like i'm orbiting lately. don't know what exactly.
*content warning i'm talking about piercings in the next paragraph*
i took out my eyebrow piercing last week. i'd had it since november, and it rarely caused me anything but trouble. it was always such a nuisance and i had finally had enough. it felt slightly like i had removed like 20% of my coolness along with it. like now i have no exterior indicators that i am "cool." i also simplified my septum piercing to a closed ring, and i'm hoping to do the same for my other nose one if i can manage to get one in there.
my face is plainer now, and i swear the testosterone is making it broader. i cut my hair so it doesn't hang in my face as much, and now i'm dealing with much more forehead than i know what to do with. i started wearing a baseball cap the past few days, i think it looks a little stupid but i don't really care.
for the last party of the school year i did a full face of makeup for the first time in many months. it was shocking to see what felt like my "old self" in the mirror. it made me hold myself differently, more femininely, maybe? it felt almost like a mistake, when i washed it off at the end of the night i felt ugly for a moment. i felt like the taking it off was the mistake, rather than the putting it on. i considered starting to wear eyeliner every day again. it was a weird flashback to a time when i only recognized myself with makeup on. i think i'm out of that feeling now, but it felt significant.
today i bought some shorts. simple, mildly ugly ones from the men's section of target. i felt so excited in that dressing room when they all fit me. they were nothing special, two for everyday, both gray, and one for sleep covered with minions. i'm in a weird gender in-between right now, and i guess this just felt like a step in the right direction. i'm at this place where i'm about four months on testosterone, and things aren't changing as quickly as i want them to be. and i found a binder that fits me, but it doesn't work that well and the summer heat makes it hardly worth the suffering anyways. i guess baseball caps and boring shorts help? i had the funny revelation in that target today that, i think, part of looking like a boy is wearing things that are kind of ugly.
this is one of the longer posts i've written, maybe even the longest. and i could probably go on for many more paragraphs. but it's getting late, i'm getting restless from staring at my computer, and i always fear veering too far into more diary-appropriate territory. i'm sure i'll be back soon, this free time sure stirs up lots of thoughts. until next time x
songs for this moment:
*acolyte by slaughter beach, dog
*need 2 by pinegrove
*my friends by red hot chili peppers
*forever by alex g
*soaker by alex g
additional things that have been on a lot lately:
*two of us on the run by lucius
*bliss by yung lean
*212 by azealia banks
*challengers soundtrack
*flawless by yeat
*maneater by nelly furtado
*dosed by red hot chili peppers
[p-=≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≠≥÷
-something my cat typed in a moment when i looked away from my computer.
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