just as i left it

 currently re-listening to preacher's daughter by ethel cain all the way through. grammarly is begging me to capitalize my proper nouns.

yesterday i drove about six hours. first to the airport to drop off my boyfriend, and then home. childhood home? college feels like my home. i had woken up at 6am, so i felt shaky and hungry and tired and scared for the first hour or two after leaving the airport. then eventually i was two hours away and my phone was playing happy songs, throwbacks, and everything was okay. of course , there was still that nagging in my head. turn back. go home. returning to my hometown is hard. not because everything is different but because everything is the same. my house is still quiet. too quiet. going to my regular grocery store doesn't feel novel and funny, it feels like i was just there last week. maybe i was never at college at all. i saw my friends just yesterday, but they already feel so far away. it feels as if i must reach out to them, i must text, call, drive out to see them or else they will disappear. what if they forget me in the span of this five day break? I'm a black-and-white thinker, and maybe have poor object permanence. have to remember that my friends are still there even if i can't see them. 

what if i fall into my old routines by accident? that's what really scares me. i cannot adapt to my home!! i must forge new paths within my house, avoid the comfort of what I'm used to. this is my resolution.

this thanksgiving i am thankful for my friends. if you know me, you know i suck at being genuine with my feelings, but i thought i'd try. 

oh how i love all my new friends, as well as the old ones. i wasn't sure who i would find at college, but this wasn't what i expected. to have more friends than i can count on two hands! i prefer the struggle of not being able to see all my friends as much as i'd like over the struggle of not having enough friends to see.

and my old friends! this weekend i will see them for the first time since going to college. despite not wanting to fall into old routines, i truly hope we can pick up right where we left off. 

dearest blog. really poured it out for you today. see you next time x

in:

crochet, trying to get better at teaching people things, listening to cringe music because it feels good, waking up in time for breakfast. 

out:

snow, routines, five-page essays.

 

~media~

audio

*re-hash by gorillaz

*heart attack by slaughter beach, dog

*ascension by gorillaz

*thoroughfare by ethel cain

*clay pigeons by michael cera

visual

*priscilla

*singin' in the rain

*scott pilgrim vs. the world

slaughter beach, dog concert

blanket on my bed, just as i left it

poster still falling down