burnout

I know I just wrote you a day ago, but I'm feeling a bit inspired. I also wanted to share some of a beautiful draft I wrote last month that was never posted for some reason.

I have been on the verge of tears all day, out of stress over an assignment. college sucks sometimes, man. as much as I value my unusual education these past couple years, I have found myself to be horribly unprepared to jump back in to the traditional school structure. how I wish I had learned to take effective notes and manage my time more efficiently in high school.

just bought a burnout relief herbal supplement from whole foods. hope it works.

excerpt from draft I never posted 8/4/23:

something beautiful I've noticed lately is that all of these sad, end of high school "lasts" are not quite that sad. well they are, but they aren't affecting me in the way I thought they would. the wonderful musical I was just in, for example. I thought it would be like every other show I'd been in, and once it was over I'd fall into a weeklong depression. but after the last show, I found myself to be more overwhelmed with how grateful I was to have been part of such an amazing thing, and how excited I was for what was next. the same has been true for each last dance class, last voice lesson. as sad as it makes me to leave things that I have done for the past months, even years, it isn't a sadness of regret, or of wanting to stay behind. 

when I joined this musical I realized something. it was something obvious, but I think it had to be shown to me a few times for it to really sink in. it made me realize how magical it is that every time I think something is the best, most important thing I've ever done, something else will always come along and be better. and I mean that in the best way possible. I know this is such a simple, obvious thing that doesn't need to be stated, but I'm putting it out into the world in writing, for myself. for the future. for when I'm sad about something being over, and I need a reminder that whatever I'm being sad about isn't nearly as exciting as what's next. after all, it is my ultimate goal to experience as much as I can. I need this as a reminder to my routine-loving self not to stay behind with what is comfortable instead of trying something new. 

I've written about spring awakening before. love letters to the show that changed my life. the first show I really loved. my ticket into college. before The Prom, I thought that it would be the best show I'd ever be a part of. maybe the most life changing? no. it was just the beginning. and now it is my responsibility to realize that that doesn't make the prom the end. neither will be my greatest performance. I don't know what will be, but I can't wait to find out. 

while going from constant dance classes to constant play rehearsals to neither at all, I have realized some difficult things. it has given me the opportunity to take the space to reevaluate what it is I love to do, and what I want to pursue in the future. my dream job for the past few years has been to be a backup dancer, to tour with a singer and do the same thing every night. 

I've gotten used to the yearly cycle of dance competitions and recitals, and I never really thought I might want something else. It was always the plan to do mainly dance, with a little theater on the side. it freaks me out a little that that plan might be flipped now. but I don't need to think about it now. 

this ties in to what I wrote just over a month ago:

someone in my new dance class said the other day, "there is nothing to achieve in dance besides happiness." this really resonated with me, and is something I need to remind myself of. I come from many years of a certain kind of dance. technique based, with a goal of perfection. for the past four years, the thing to achieve was an adjudication at the competition. don't get me wrong. I love to compete. there is a thrill and energy about it like nothing else. but when I find myself in the studio, after long hours of practicing skills that I will never be the best at, will likely never make it into one of my dances, am I happy? I don't think I have a definite answer to that. 

all that considered, I am very excited for the next chapter of my dance education. I'm only three classes in, but I can already see so many new possibilities.

bye for now. until next time.